Oh Rapture

Thank goodness for Facebook, if I hadn't logged in today I would have completely forgotten that there are only 10 more shopping days left until The Rapture. 

Let's see what's on my list:

1.  Tequila
2.  Cigarettes
3.  Crack 
4. Toll House cookies 
5.  French fries
6.  Enough fois gras to choke a horse 
7.  Blowfish sushi
8.  Acme Bread (with honey)
9.  Cherry Garcia ice cream
10. A pony

That's about it, I think. I've given this list about two and a half minutes of very serious thought and I feel good about it. There's no point in buying any more shoes or clothes or jewelry since that stuff will surely be confiscated by the Rapture police. With this in mind I've decided to focus on things I can ingest. Well, except for the pony. The pony is there to keep the kids busy and not panicking while mommy does crack, eats fries and waits for the Rapture. 

Ha.

I thought about doing some genuine research on The Rapture, so that I could make fun of it with more authority, but then I realized that research is a complete and total waste of time. On the one hand, it's good to be informed when crazy people start to form large groups, buy outdoor boards and generally behave as if the world is going to end. On the other, I have a pile of work to do and plenty of real things to worry about.  

At the end of the day (ha ha) I've decided ignorance is the best policy. It's not like I'm going to learn something that would get me out of the Rapture, should it turn out to be true. Even without research I know the Rapturian authorities convict without trial based on rules created way back in the good old days when an eye for an eye was considered reasonable punishment. Nothing I do today, or in the next 10 days, is going to get me out of whatever happens next.

But nothing will happen next. I mean nothing unlike the somethings that've been happening every other day. The sun will come out or it will rain. Those people who go to church will. The people who go to Sunday brunch will do that. And those who spend their Sundays in pajamas reading the paper will do that.  

Remember 1999? Aside from a great Prince song and some you-should-have-been-doing-it-anyway data back-ups, what did we get out of the Great Millennium Panic?  Ah yes, bupkis.

The 17% percent of Americans who believe the world will end in our lifetime will wake up on May 22, shake their heads and wonder what went wrong. Some may even be disappointed. Then the apocalyptic predictors will take up their End Time calculators, star charts and Book of Signs to begin the next round of apocalyptic predictions. They will also pay their electric bills, buy groceries and set aside money for their kids' college funds, you know, just in case.  

I have an idea: why not, while there's still time, petition for a postponement? I mean, if you're going to live forever, why start now? Let's hit the snooze button on this whole Rapture thing and set a new date for our future progeny. I mean, we've saddled them with enough debt and pollution they might actually welcome something as harebrained as a Rapture.

Here's what we'll do, we'll ask the scientists to calculate when global warming will have finally made this place uninhabitable and set the clock for a few minutes before that. After the bees are gone and we've finally killed all the sharks.  'Cause that'll be a world no one except the cockroaches will want. (I'm pretty sure the cockroaches will be Left Behind.)

But right now there's still green grass, blue sky and some nice things to eat. There's music to play, children to mock and plenty of beautiful places on this earth you've never even seen yet. Seriously, before you pull the trigger on this life, go outside and live this one just a little bit longer.

The Rapture will keep.

 

 

Comments

[SteveB]

I wonder how that 17% number has changed since WWII -- if someone had collected that data. Growing up in The Cold War and playing Missile Command, I had my worries about things -- but I don't think I ever wondered about the Second Coming.

Maybe I shouldn't have bought those green bananas. Eh -- I'll put 'em in a bag, they'll be okay by next week.

[Margy Rydzynski]

Wow, thanks for reminding me about the Tequila. Forgot all about that. Let's see...will I still need the 1950s nuclear bomb shelter? And bug spray. Hmmm, but spray. What if you're wrong about the cockroaches?

[deborah]

really? REALLY TYPE PAD? I wrote a very good post and you ATE IT?

I said (and will say AGAIN) that your post was beautifully written and HOPEFUL.

Floods, tsunamis, tornadoes, earthquakes - you can see why chicken littles are crying the world is ending. But really, its just being a bully. The world needs a big time out, in it's room, no dinner, think about what it's done and promise to be better tomorrow.