Fair notice to the rest of you

If you are growing out of my head and you decide, for whatever reason, to turn gray, I will not automatically pluck you out.

If however, you decide -- for whatever reason -- to stick out at an odd angle from the rest of the group - say straight out of the top of my head, waving your silly little gray self in the air and singing "pick me! pick me!"

I will pick you.

The name of the game in this woman's army is uniformity. Retention is based entirely on your ability to blend in and obey the rules. If you do this, you will be washed, gelled, cut and generally taken care of. If you break the rules, you will be plucked and cast out of the garden. You don't have to be a Bible expert to know that being cast out is bad. With any luck I will cast the root out with you, and sonny, this is no relocation program. You will join the other castaways in the ceramic wilderness of my bathroom sink. Don't even think about escaping.  

You folks have been living with me for the last 43 years so you should know how serious I am on this subject. Lest you forget, let's remember a time, not too long ago, when I happened to catch my reflection in a department store mirror only to discover a shocking interloper: a black hair sticking straight out of my sexy little beauty mark. I plucked that sucker out with my bare fingernails right there in the store. Beauty mark hair has longer and more tenacious roots than silly head hair, so don't test me.

I understand that turning gray is something you may be doing against your will. It is certainly against mine but I don't want to punish you for doing what comes "naturally." That said, this event is not something to be celebrated. Standing out, waving, curling and other non-standard behavior will not be tolerated. You should know that I am not ready to go steady with Miss Clairol yet so the best thing -- for both of us -- is for you to lay down with the rest of the crew, do what you're told and stick in whatever direction I gel you into.

Do that and nobody gets hurt.

Comments

[foxsydee]

[this is good] lol! yeah....that's telling 'em! :) :::shakes fist in solidarity:::

[Nancy]

I need to get my hair to read this....

[Izola]

[this is good] Karen, you're my hero. I have given in to going steady with Miss Clairol. But, you stay strong!

[Ninja Chick]

[this is good] You rock, girl! Do you think you can have a stern talking to with my irrational grays, too. While Miss Clairol and I haven't become serious, I have been fooling around with her on occasion. Am so ashamed. =)To graying gracefully...and plucking out the little suckers who attempt to go against the grain. =)

[electric firefly]

[this is good] You don't have to be a Bible expert to know that being cast out is bad. Brilliant.

[Deborah]

Beauty mark hair has longer and more tenacious roots than silly head hair, so don't test me.lolololol

[Mark]

If I wrote this one it would be "Each and every one of you is very, very important to me.I will neither pluck you nor insult you in any other way. You may turn any color you please at any time, with my blessing and continued love and support. I am here for you, no matter what. Why just look at your brethren in other areas.... see the luxuriant growth, the constant appearance of totally new hairs in previously barren areas? You can be like that too, I KNOW you can! Just believe.

[Laurel]

[this is good]

[Izola]

I love this version. Teehee.

[karen]

the constant appearance of totally new hairs in previously barren areas
dear god. must immediately amend rules to include a 100% ban on migration. Hair must remain in their designated locations, or else.

[Mark]

Don't worry. It's me and my co-genderites who have to worry about shoulder badges,ear thatch, and eyebrows that become so bushy that they begin to resemble small guinea pigs.the book of Genesis says we were made first, prior to y'all..... clearly, we're a faulty first effort. So glad he tried again.

[Creative Guy]

Yeah, its a funny thing about hair. We men work tocultivate it in some areas while it grows wild in others...



Since you bugged me to blog:
http://creative-guy.vox.com/

[Sooz]

[this is good] Brilliant.

[Bookmole]

[this is good] But - honestly - it's better to go grey than white. Grey hair is thicker and more luxuriant and you will never be tempted by a blue rinse. Trust me on this.

[sneuf]

i stumbled across this post, and i want to join your army. can i also wage war against the greys that refuse to turn the color they are dyed? - if i am paying to cover you, and sparing you from the death pluck, you must obey the rules of dyeing. bastards.

[karen]

consider the rules amended as such: if we go to the trouble and expense to color you, and you do not assimilate to the newly chosen color, we will pluck you (bastards).

[Lakshmi]

[this is good] I join you, whole-heartedly in implementing the rule. :)

[Cath]

[this is good]