Last night I was up on the bunk bed ladder giving Cassandre a kiss goodnight. As I hugged her I said "Sometimes I feel like I don't get to touch you enough" expecting her to say something about being older and not needing it so much. Instead she threw her arms around my neck and said "Yes! I feel that way too. We need more cuddle time." So I climbed up the ladder into bed and cuddled with her for a while. Man, I wish I could sleep in the top bunk, it's so cool up there. She can spy on the nieghbors and see stars from her window. For a moment I could almost remember what it was like to be nine years old and sleeping in the top bunk of my parents' house. We cuddled for a long time.
After she was asleep it struck me how I don't feel that way about Juju - the sense that I don't touch her enough. Juju at four is still very insistent about getting what she wants. Pick me up. Carry me. Kiss me, baby (she's been watching too much television). I want to sit on your foot while you walk. Let's dance! It seems like she and I are always touching. But Cassandre is too big to carry and she doesn't ask for cuddles like she used to. Which makes it too easy to forget how much she needs it. How much we all need it.
It doesn't take a bunch of baby monkeys to prove how much we need love and touch. What's interesting to me is how we have allowed society and our fear of sexual molestation and harassment cut ourselves off from this basic human need. And while as grown ups I can (sort of) understand the need for personal space and a lack of touching, I do not understand it when it comes to children.
Whenever I see my nephew or nieces I scoop them up in my arms and kiss them a thousand times. I want to eat them (no not really), they are so scrumptious to me. And they love it. They laugh and laugh and say "more more more!" And like the Grinch, when I do this my heart expands to three times its size. The hugging is just as good for me as it is for them.
I often wish I could hug the other children I come across. Especially when I see them being sad. When kids have hurt feelings or a genuine boo boo I want to kiss them and hug them and tell them it will all be alright.
I love kids. Ok maybe not that one over there who is destroying the hydrangia. I want all kids to laugh. I want them to be as happy as possible and I want to do my part to make them happy - even if it's just for a moment. Sometimes a moment is all it takes. Do you remember that? The days when a grown up who paid attention to you could make a difference in how you felt about yourself? I remember that.
Back when my parents' marriage was sliding headlong into the land of irretrievable things, we had a neighbor who was kind to me. She talked to me like I was a grown up and listened to my 11 year-old woes as if they were meaningful. And when things got bad she would give me big hugs and remind me of the good things in my life. To this day I am grateful. She made me feel like things might actually turn out alright. It took many years for her to be right, but the point is that her love and support helped me through some really hard times.
I would love to be that person for other kids. The grownup who listens. The one who takes you seriously and helps you to believe in yourself. The one who gives you a big hug when you need it.
But the rules today are complex and there are parents who don't want you to touch their kids. Often I hold back. When I see little kids crying, I sit next to them and try to use my words to comfort them. But words are cold comfort in situations when you need human touch. If I touch them I make sure that I'm looking at the parents (and the kid) for permission.
It's funny, Cassandre came home from school one day and told me that her teacher had hugged her. My first reaction was "huh?" Under what circumstances would he need to hug her? But then she told me the story: she was feeling low, had got something wrong in class and was feeling dumb and frustrated. Her teacher gave her a little squeeze around her shoulders to make her feel better. And guess what? It worked.
Yes of course we have to be vigilent about protecting our children from predators. I am accutely aware of this. But we also need to remember that we do our children a terrible disservice if, under the banner of protecting them, we cut them off from the vast majority of people in the world are not child molesters. Children need as much love as we can give them.
And so do the rest of us.
Take it away, Peter.
