Blog powered by Typepad

Become a Fan

« What is this? | Main | Dear Supreme Court »

04/01/2007

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

foxsydee

[this is good]

Breat post! I think so many people are not prepared for the reality of what is entailed in a long term relationship/marriage that involves having babies, raising a family, and getting older......and that is why so many people end up confused and divorced. I would generalize and say men are more common about not understanding, but that would be stereotyping as I know there are many women just as clueless and just as at fault. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and it takes 2 people to make a marriage fail.
A friend of mine's sister is going through major issues with her husband who just up and walked out on her and their small children - a new baby and a toddler. He is an Anglican minister and left because she wasn't servicing his "needs". He just cannot understand why they don't sex as much and as often as before they had kids.....and that because of that, his complaint is thatshe is neglecting him and his needs and won't back down about it. She just had ababy and has a toddler!! (...and shemoved across the country, away from her family and any support, for him and his job!)
I totally agree with you thatmarriage iswork and both partiesneed to put work and effort into it. To think that you would not haveto, is simply unrealistic. To me, when someone says "we grew apart" means that you didn't put any effort into your marriageand probably devoted your spare time to your hobbies instead of your spouse. Relationships don't get back on track without any work and don't stay on track withouteffortona regular basis.
Personally, I think the work I put into my marriage is a work of love - for me and for my husband.....because we both deserve it.

foxsydee

I don't know if you saw this.

karen

I did see that post! And thanks for your comment.
While I totally disapprove of the guy who walked out on your friend, he is in fact proving my point. Sex is as important to a relationship as anything else. I hope that he could be patient (how new is that new baby?) and wait tillshe is feeling more herself, but I alsounderstand that he probably feels rejected and unloved.
People often like to say that women confuse sex with love, but I think that's only true before marriage. Afterwards it seems like the shoe goes on the other foot and men become the ones to confuse sex with love.

foxsydee

I totally agree that sex is important....but so is understanding and being compassionate to your mate.
In regards to the couple I told you about, its not he isn't getting any. She isn't refusing him sex at all and he gets sex....its just that he wants it all the time and he thinks he deserves it as much as he wants it, regardless of how tired she is.And apparently he wants it several times daily. For example, he comes home after work and she asks him to watch the kids while she takes a quick shower before she makes dinner......he leaves the kids downtstairs, unattended, and comes upstairs to try and initiate sex in the shower and POUTS that she doesn't love him because she won't have sex then and there. He left a baby and a toddler alone!I understand sex is important....but come on, there is a time and place.....and you can't neglect your kids.
I knowthis is anextreme example, but I see it quite a bit.....from both sides.
I think that whatgoes on in the bedroom (or doesn't go on) is indicative of what the relationship is like outside the bedroom....and vice versa. If something is missing in one part, then both suffer. Both need effort.

gt

[this is good] I thought sex would be 20% important in marriage or relationship.And yes, sex IS important. Sex and money, they are not everything, but they ARE important. And they rank high in my priority. No, I don't get much of them(especially the former). It's sad to see people not satisfied sexually, yet continue their marriage and think that's just the way it is...

karen


Money (for me) falls into a similar category - the less you have, the more important it becomes.

Kimberly

[this is good]

navelgazer

[this is good] I love love love this post.

navelgazer

p.s. personally, I think it would be a public service if this post were viewable by anyone-- not only so I could forward it on at will, but that's one reason. ;)

Candy Sparks

i agree... i think for the most part relationships survive because of sex... so great post...

karen


How'bout this: I'll open it up until Sunday and then put it back in the hood. That way you can forward it, and I can keep it from permanently showing up in my google results. ;-)

karen


If the rest of your relationship is crap, then even good sex can't save it forever.But I do think that bad sex can hurt a good relationship - especially over time.

Patty

"horses need to be ridden. When horses aren't ridden, they get bored and frustrated. Sometimes they fight, biting and kicking each other in unpleasant ways. Sometimes they wander off into neighboring fields, not because there was anything wrong with the home field, but simply because nothing was happening there."That is masterful Karen. Amen! It makes me sad to when I hear about women (or men) who don't enjoy or want sex. It says to me that they are cut off and disconnected from themselves and the love that's so very near to them. How can a person not want touch? Or play? Or true intimacy? It's not right. And to your point, if you don't like sex, you don't know what you're missing.

Patty

I agree that this is a post that calls for being made public. More people should talk about this subject and there'd be less shame and secrecy and angst surrounding something that's as natural, as healthy and as necessarily to happiness and wholeness as eating, sleeping, and breathing...only a lot more fun. Well, eating is pretty fun too...but that's another topic. ;-)

Ninja Chick

[Rockin' My Socks With Your Post] Amen,girlfriend. Amen! Have been hearing the same tale from the lips of others. I was starting to blame the holidays for this sudden outpouring of relationship unhappiness as every year after the holidays - people (around these here parts) split up in droves.And like your post (once I've run out of wine and they've told and re-told their tales of relationship woes and my filter has been removed) I get around to telling them a something akin to your cleverly written prose. :)That and things I probably should leave on 'Mute', but filter gone (and alcohol involved) - next time I'll tell them about horses - I just hope I can keep the right rider on the right things as well as the rest of your beautiful analogy straight. Otherwise, I might very well be known as Chella The Horse Porn Writer. :PAnd I doubt that kind of erotic (I say horror) fiction would get any engine going...not even in the equine nation.Happy Friday Hun!

karen

I remember that post. That Cri girl, she's so talented. Horses would have added a whole new dimension to the Monkey Minions.
I am very glad to hear that you are not keeping yourself on mute. The more people who talk about this constructively, the better it is for everyone. ;-)

kitty

[this is good] People seem to forget how to play when they get all grown-up. Sex is a great form of play, as are pillow fights, climbing trees, getting lost on subways, finger-painting... Play is far far far more important than work in my book.

Grumpy Geek

[this is good] YES! 100% right on.Human beings are by their very nature sexual. The rise of the porn
industry is no accident. And when you try to turn off your sexuality,
strange things happen. It goes against our human nature.That's one of the reasons I think Catholic priests being celibate is a bad idea. I understand the concept of them being "married" to the church, but it goes against human nature.

karen

I agree with this completely and for about two minutes I had something in the post about how it was likely not an accident there have been so many pediphiles in the priesthood.
But then I had an interesting converation with Xav who took the "chicken or egg" position. Meaning we can't tell if the bad priests are there because they are messed up sexually, or if the priesthood is a sort of refuge for people who are messed up.
That seemed a fair arguement, so I got rid of it.

Barry

[this is good] *starts manufacturing Karen For President buttons*... There's still time...

Barry

Xav is a very smart man (and you don't need me to tell you).

BTW - I ignored this post for the longest, because of the universe of things that don't interest me, horses arenear the top of the list. Heh.

karen

Like I know anything about real horses. Honey. Please.

The comments to this entry are closed.